By Jessie Shier
Pulling away from a bully
Bullying can take many forms. Apart from physical and sexual bullying, there is psychological and emotional bullying, which are equally devastating to a person’s self esteem and ability to live their life in confidence and happiness. Having a partner who tends toward bullying behaviour is devastating to your long term sense of self. It is imperative that you take care of yourself so that you do not allow this person to remove your sense of personal power; remember – you always have the right to leave.
If there is a bully in your life, it is important to distance yourself from them. Remaining close to a bully will degrade your confidence and self worth until you are failing to meet your potential and missing opportunities in your life. Bullies feed off others’ energy. To allow yourself the potential to experience all that your life has to offer, distance yourself from the bully and attempt to rebuild what has been lost in you. It will be the most loving thing you can do for yourself.
When the bully is a member of your family or someone you have been close to for years, you can feel guilt about pulling away, and at times a weakness and idea to just go back. As if slipping back into the groove, because it’s not worth it, because it’s the usual way, comfortable, without change, etc, etc. No! Need strength in the mind to overcome that compulsion. Need to continue on with your own journey of reclaiming and rebuilding yourself.
The guilt is part of the bully’s arsenal. They use it to pull you back, so they keep a certain level of control even as you pull away. The further you get, the weaker gets their guilt torpedo, and soon it won’t affect you at all. But you have to keep going away. Commit to leaving.
You have a right to be happy.
Remember – everyone is responsible for themselves. That person is capable of looking after themselves, and despite their words, they don’t need you. They should not be making you feel guilty for leaving. If you have decided that leaving is right for you, then no one has the right to make you feel guilty for that. Trying to do the right thing for yourself is correct. Guilt over that is someone else exerting control over you and that is toxic.
Develop your mind by educating yourself in whatever area interests you. This expands your intellectual capacity and raises your mind. It enables you to become stronger in the mind so that you are more able to commit to your own decisions that are right for you.
Strengthen your heart by taking time out for yourself, and learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. Nobody’s perfect, we are all human and that is fine! Give yourself the loving care that comes naturally when you spend time with yourself, getting used to your own energy and getting to know yourself. Do not be afraid of what is inside you. Instead try to face it, with honesty and without judgement. No one is perfect in this world. No need to berate yourself for that. But don’t make excuses for other people’s behaviour or use their imperfect humanity as a reason to stay where you want to leave. Those people are free to love themselves. But you have to love yourself by following your feelings and your heart and doing what is right for you.
Doing otherwise is not loving to yourself.
A bully holds the soul in suspense in the sacral area, holds you back. You experience an inability to take any action, because there’s no movement in the soul’s sacral region, the seat of creativity. It is fear. This is how the bully can prevent you from leaving.
If there is physical threat, then you may need to enlist the help of others to prevent harm to you. There are organisations and websites that offer advice. Type into your search engine terms such as ‘help for victims of abuse’, ‘help to leave an abusive home’, etc, to bring up organisations in your area.
If the bully is psychological or emotional, then remember that you can choose to rise above the manipulation games that they are playing, by remembering that they are playing games. Just walk away and keep walking. It may seem so hard, but once you make that decision, it gets easier from there as your resolve gets stronger to carry out what you decided to do. It is the intitial decision that is the hardest. Please make it by yourself by not listening to well-meaning friends and family who tell you to try this or that, or give it more time, more attention, or make excuses for the other person. This is your life! Your decision! You make it yourself! The world will support you when you decide to do what is right for you, even if you can’t see that support at the time. And there is no justification for bullying.
Prayer to God/your higher self/who or whatever you believe in – prayer – will help you to cultivate the necessary energy and resolve to do what you need to do.
Sometimes it can be hard to admit that someone we care for is a bully, is bullying us. We deny that it’s happening and feel guilty or uncomfortable thinking about leaving or admitting that their behaviour makes us feel bad. But that’s just the way to help this – think about how they make you feel in the moment, every moment, and with absolute honesty try to discern whether this person makes you feel good about yourself, or if you find yourself feeling diminished or awkward when they are around you. Some helpful questions to ask yourself –
- Are you able to be yourself around them, without fear or discomfort?
- Do you feel confident being You when they are there?
- Have they ever pressured you into doing something that you weren’t sure about?
- Are you free to express your feelings without judgement or oppression, or fear of retaliation if your feelings aren’t what they want them to be?
The truth is, that fear is theirs – their fear of loss of control – leave them to it.
Ultimately, loving yourself by taking action that you feel is right for you, whether or not you think someone is bullying you, is your right and privilege and should never be thwarted.
Bullying is not gender-specific. It’s normal to feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed when you’ve been bullied. Please don’t hide away if you are a man experiencing this phenomenon. It is not uncommon.
Links to sites that may help you to know if you have experienced emotional or psychological abuse:-
(The following sites are in no way connected to, or authored by, the author/owner of this site.)
It is important to note that emotional abuse can happen to both men and women in relationships. And both men and women can emotionally abuse others: it is not gender-specific. Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed if you are a man experiencing this phenomenon – you are not alone.
The first site references cheating in their list- it is important to realise that when you are in a relationship that exposes you to emotional abuse, cultivating a healthy relationship with someone else can help you to gain the strength needed to leave. So please do not judge this action – it may be exactly what you need. It is worth noting that when one partner has developed feelings for someone else, that indicates the need to move on. It doesn’t mean you are immoral, greedy or bad. You are well advised to pay attention to your feelings. Do not dismiss them – they mean something.
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